you ever get tired of living but in a non-suicidal way
like everything is bad everywhere and no one has money and im tired of this cycle
i tried to explain how i was feeling like this to my drug counselor and she was like “yeah that still sounds kinda suicidal” and i could not figure out how to explain that i don’t wanna die, i just like. am so so so tired of the way life is for me and all my friends and family. i’m tired of living like this but i’m gonna keep doing it bc i guess there’s no other choice
I don’t wanna die, I wanna go lay on a warm field under the sun and watch the clouds go by. How is this hard to understand?
I just want to spend a few days in the dim twilight between sleep and waking, but specifically the dim twilight of a Saturday morning in April.
There used to be something derisive from UK psychology/psychiatry, called “shit life syndrome” where the person isn’t actually depressed they’re just unhappy because their life objectively is terrible. Like their mental health issues would go away pretty quickly if they had friends and more money, and some support and people that weren’t being cruel to them all the time. As I unpack my own mental health, I think about that frequently, and I’m more sure that I didn’t have depression. I just was unhappy and my brain was too, that so many of my basic needs were not being met. 
Something deeply painful is the fact that seasons, especially fall, dont feel the same. Not because of individual maturity but because climate change has impacted the weather patterns so so so much that we cant even experience the same annual shifts that our ancestors have for centuries
I feel displaced, i yearn for the spring, summer, fall, and winter that i can barely remember experiencing
To make things worse, if you’re under 50-60 years old, you can’t even remember what normal seasons were like because you weren’t alive to experience them
In the graph above, you can see how there’s a clear tipping point in the late 1970′s, which is when global temperatures first began to really skyrocket.
I was born in 1997, so about 20 years after this shift occurred. There is an immense difference between the climate now and the climate I remember growing up in, but the way I experienced the seasons in my childhood was already fundamentally different from what the seasons were supposed to be like! My parents were pretty much the last generation to experience a normal climate, and that’s just… incredibly sad
I am processing this information in a normal way devoid of rabid rage and bloodlust i am processing this information in a normal wa-
